cochine

Hung out with my friend Nikki today! We met for the first time at a get-together for polerinas that my instructor put together. And we were comfortable with each other right away. Today, she had the day off for Christmas. We had lunch at a cafe, a hummus platter and a vegan banana walnut cake. She has similar gut issues as I do so we enjoy ordering food together; neither of us feels like we're making the other person miss out on something else they'd rather eat.

Afterwards, we went to the library. I finished reading the book I'd borrowed, and she browsed for a while before picking out a pile of books and then flipping through them to decide what she wanted to borrow. I borrowed Butter by Asako Yuzuki, and it's the specific edition that I'd been eyeing in Shelfish ever since I worked there and wasn't allowed to read the books. (You know, when you're not allowed to do something you want to doubly do it.) Is the fact that the library had it a Sign? Anything's a sign if you want to give it significance. I'm healing, so it's a Sign.

Nikki had wanted to go to Spinebreaker or Shelfish initially. I told her that both places had traumatised me and that it was a long story. She thought I was joking at first, but I didn't want to go into the whole history of both places and why I wasn't welcome at either. I told her that it was awkward telling people that I was traumatised by bookstores because, when I tell them I was traumatised by school for instance, they instinctively understand, but when I say I was traumatised by bookstores, they think I must be joking.

The part I didn't tell her is that when people react like this, it feels like they're laughing at what I experienced or trivialising my hurt, even though they mostly don't know enough to react aptly in the first place. It's just such a difficult thing to talk to people about that I wish it never came up in the first place. The emotional labour of explaining it and making them understand the impact it had on me just sucks, as a process. For a while, I've been thinking that they can't understand me as a person without knowing this about me, but maybe this isn't as big a part of my self as all that. At one point it defined everything about the way I was, but thankfully that time is behind me. As the heroine of the manhwa Not Your Typical Reincarnation Story says, people heal with time and people are more resilient than they think.